It is….

This moment, right here right now, where my family sit out on the lounge enjoying the football, I migrated to my room curled up in a lifeless ball of turmoil… feeling defeated …. And I realised that It cannot happen again… so I write these words…

MY Mind is playing tricks on me…. again…

I am feeling physically ill because of this game that plays in my head….

I thought I had retired from this game … but It was awoken… by my unsuspecting actions of goodwill

You see giving is supposed to be a gift that not only you give but you receive…. People talk of self-satisfaction and pride… and while those feelings are there… for me, at this moment, they are outweighed by …. It….

I felt It rise the moment I stepped off the scales…. Something I have purposefully not done in a long time….I know scales are not a measure of me as a whole person they are just a number… but It doesn’t know that…

The confusing thing is…. I have not really felt this way since falling pregnant with my first child over 12 years ago, and I have done everything in my power to not let It return…..

I have not missed those feeling of nausea, self-hatred, self-consciousness, heaviness, GUILT … where no matter what you do, It fills your head and blackens everything….

It penetrates your thoughts and your feelings… It makes you feel like a failure… like you are not good enough… like no-one cares….like no one supports you….

But I must refuse not to feed It… I know what It wants … to feel empty… as the emptiness feels powerful … emptiness feels like I can control It … but in fact, it is the other way around….

I know all this… and I have known since before It arrived that what It wants is not healthy, It is not reasonable, It is not sensible, It is not logical, It is not …. Me….

Yet It rises in me …. SO strongly ….

For years I have felt the need to suppress It… stop it …hide It ….and yet, It, in essence, is what Stops, suppresses and hides me…

It twists things…. It makes me my own worst enemy….

BUT….

I have changed …. It does not realise this …. As It has been asleep inside me for too long …. Only to murmur randomly … but it did not wake…

So… It does not know ….

I am no longer the 9, 10, 11-year-old girl, who was too scared to say stop it… Don’t touch me that way… don’t do that again to those boys who had her backed against the wall….who was too scared to tell…. The girl who grinned and beared it ….

I am no longer the 15,16,17-year-old girl, the one that only sought to do well, to make her parents proud …

The girl who no matter felt that no matter what she achieved, it would not be enough….. to feel like she belonged, like she was accepted…. the girl who got pulled down no matter how hard she strived to step up, that girl…

That tall blonde who had it all (so they thought), the athletic one… who apparently thought she was better … who they tore to shreds behind her back…. Who’s trusted ones did not step up for her when she needed them … who’s only credible feature was “ her long hair, because I can hold her down” … who lost herself …

I am no longer that girl who was falling into It, who knew It was taking over her… but….who’s trusted ones said to her “ what are you doing that’s a waste of food” …. Who told her her butt looked big in those shorts she made herself that she absolutely loved and was so proud of… who stroked the fine hair that was on only one her face and asked her if she cared about it… and then dismissed her answer….

There is more to It…. but all that did was feed It….

Those things can no longer feed It … if I make my peace with them… If I refuse to let them wash over everything that I do… If acknowledge those feelings that feed It and no longer suppress them and bottle them up…

Now…as I begin to Own It, Name It, Defy It …. It will see it has no choice but to leave me alone… instead of making ME ask to be left alone with It … turning away my confused loved ones… this is why I need to do this… they deserve better … and more importantly …so do I.

This will sound ridiculous to many … but for some …. You will know … You will understand ….. It…..

As my emotions run like wildfire … and my family think I have lost It …little do they know …I have consciously for the first time asked It to leave me…. For good…

It can take that sinking empty feeling… that Guilt with It …

I have had a gut full….and I won’t stand It anymore….

Writing these words is my way of locking the door … It can not return… It can not hurt me anymore…

I know It will come knocking… just like It has just done … but … I cannot let It control me … It is not welcome here….ever again….

You may not know It…. and I hope you never do…. But if someone you love does… you need to know It trusts no-one, loves no-one, and listens no-one…. So … If you want to help and support that someone…. Help them to find the only one who can really Starve It …. Themselves… as self love, self worth, self belief is the way to freedom from It…

It cannot happen again….

Author: kelsbigpicture

Country girl with a coastal lifestyle, athlete, sports lover, exercise physiologist, educator, coach, mother, wife, back surgery survivor, health and wellbeing consultant, helping others to live their best life.

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